


Hospital Suite For Two

by Tvieandli



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Body Horror, Gender Dysphoria, Medication, Mental Illness, Mild Gore, Poetry, Slurs, Suicide Attempt, personal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-01
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-07 01:24:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1879746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tvieandli/pseuds/Tvieandli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life sucks and I'm venting but I also want critique on my poetry composition so I'm posting this personal piece about life sucking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hospital Suite For Two

Bloody mouth  
It's in the teeth  
Soaked up by all the cracks

Hospital suite for two  
In patient care  
Psychiatric pills to keep them calm

Metal on wrists keeps bodies in bed  
Stable mind stable body  
The key to health is stillness

"I wonder why they haven't moved."

"Why don't they have any motivation?"

Pain pills or they claw at their faces  
Pain pills or they cry until they give up

"Why don't they just leave?"

Rainbow flag as big as the American one  
But size doesn't speak of power  
They'll be wrapped in it when they die  
And burn the faggots so you can sweep the ash under your rug of mass graves

"You're afraid of the vacuum!"

In their dreams there are men  
Anxiety roars with the furry of under appreciated step-maids  
All the soot and ash he shoves toward the trash  
Burn it more so it has no shape

"What even is PTSD?"

Tracks in the grey dirt like scars on the earth  
War jeeps retreating the mines burst open like pustules  
Expelling infection from the ground  
A cleaning man screams demands

Food so hard to swallow  
Sicker for having eaten than for starving  
Their stomachs turn ravenous for flesh like wendigo

"EAT IT!"

The meat is cold on the floor  
Leave it for the dogs because that's what it means  
Objects push their comrades off shelves begging for attention

How do you get up to leave  
When your mental illness has grown to terrorism  
Holding suburbs hostage to it's demands


	2. Man<Monster

God fucked me hard against a wall  
Shifted his figure into something incomprehensible and rode me until I was nothing left  
I stood on trembling legs and understood with grave silence  
There is no child in the barren womb of the uncaring  
It was aborted like the idea of me in my father's mind  
Little feet on the dirt outside a house tracing imagined steps no man had taken  
What's it like to find masculinity in this world where all the men you've known were made from monsters in the dead of night  
Hands larger than the love of a woman know nothing but hate  
My hands will be small for my lifetime but man in the flesh is man in the bone  
How many werewolves spring from soft skin like terrors  
Born a monster in a time of men  
Monsters made men or men made monsters where M's stand synonymous for each other  
I am not water but I am not earth  
I find myself in the hard forms but bend with the flow  
Little but mud made to form like clay holding shit's shape  
I was never fired by testosterone but the apple not lodged within my throat gives me away as violence hidden in the peace  
The smile on his face held crooked over perfect teeth  
A promise of the frigid and the disgusting things over which he presided


	3. Blank Paper

When I read my poetry, the words on the page are a stranger's words  
I read them and I know that in the moment of their conception I felt them in their whole  
But they seem empty now  
I've forgotten the cadence they had when the voices in my head breathed them life  
I don't like looking at the things I push forth from my writhing, shit covered brain  
They're like little abortions that I ripped out of the constipated silence of things as they are  
I don't even like myself  
My poems and I are equals in our level of ineptitude and utter disappointment  
No more could they move a leaf when spoken aloud than a human heart  
Much like my own voice they have no voice  
My words choke on themselves and crumble inward so that when people look to read them  
All they see is blank paper


	4. I'm To Blame

My stomach is burning again  
I remember being ten  
Standing on the drive way outside the school building, holding my roiling innards close to my sternum  
My insides are on fire  
My brother in my stomach  
I feel heavy and pregnant around his ire

I asked the gods to kill me  
My god smiled and his gaping mouth became the sea  
Roiling and frothing, spitting its salt over the land, still alight with the flames  
My use is running out  
My sickness is winning  
It pins me to the ground and feels me with its skinless snout

Someone threw me hard against the wall  
(Instead of bouncing- splattered, stained the dry  
Painted a bloody mural) like Kurt Cobain's suicide  
I think it was me

It'd have to be  
No one else wants the responsibility  
When we work through our problems you think it's communication  
But you're gaslighting me

I realized last week that there's a reason I can't remember anything  
Because I spent my whole life dissociating  
I wasn't even there  
I lived so many years of my life gone  
And now you want me to pack it up and carry on  
Like I didn't miss out on half the curriculum for humanity  
And you blame me


	5. Chapter 5

Dogs don't have fangs  
De-clawed so they stop looking like wolves fed up strong on hunger pains  
Domestic  
Another personal tic  
Gnash your gums on air you shit

I look crazy when I try to cut my teeth  
Lips are sheaths  
Little swords (like words they hurl) cut deep

If you identify with the dead  
You get to move into their graves and live in a coffin too

I starved over the pages of magazines  
Gave everything up and sold my living memories  
She sounds like god, she sounds like god

If I leant up to kiss your lips I'd be  
I'd be wrong and you'd choke on my apathy  
Welled up in out throats like moats  
Strangling us until we sound like little goats  
Lingering love letters read like suicide notes 

Let the wood of loneliness in and maybe you'll be full


	6. Stepford Crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is for my step father. We have a very good relationship.

He's angry  
Scalding irrational antiquity  
This house and this family not what it was meant to be  
Built up by ingrates  
Ruining miniature estates  
Not the reason you come to the United States

His dream wife is portly and 4'9"  
Somewhere in her mind she's lacking the enzymes  
He took on her baggage because he can't stand to see kids cry

I was never in peril no white knight needed to pick up the tatters of a black knight's conquest  
She knew best

His mistake  
In saying he was alright with the children could take  
The stress of a million  
Little feet in the hallways hiding from the sounds of you  
Scurrying away as he comes out to feed  
Over stuff himself on his lack of self esteem  
Fill up the hollow with ice cream

Working the same job  
The house looks like it's lived in by slobs  
Come home it's a mess already  
Compulsively cleaning it never using the words he was given as a child  
Afraid if asked we would run wild  
Showing competency from the start  
Oh break my heart

Why aren't they psychic  
Wouldn't that be a kick

Humans have separate minds  
It allows us to think different things at different times  
Lost on these logical inclines  
Returning to the heart of the machine  
Because nothing supports the bias of confirmation like information

A stepford cisis  
He wishes to step out of his chrysalis  
Never asked for this

But he bricked himself into the cellar with the cat


	7. Brand Name Female

They branded me girl and the burn stood from my skin  
A sky scraper of scar tissue reaching for the heavens  
The flesh that covers my chest (call it breasts) burns under the scrutiny  
The lack between my legs was a birthday mutiny

I have a vagina  
"Doesn't that make you at least a little female? Kinda?"

Brand name female

One identity please

All of the transdimentional existence condensed down into a designer knock off gender  
Comfortable In Skin being the worst offender  
People talking about how they can pick Maggie up and mend her

Certificats of authenticity  
Handed down to only the palest ethnicities  
Gate keepers withholding the aid of their master keys  
I'm still running from the word "she"  
People who don't even know me  
Assuming their wisdom controls me  
Little pretty girl, little she  
Your diminutive words are not lost on me  
Infantilize my body, my mind, my sexuality  
Some "it" on the fringes of society

Occasionally willing to see me as not a woman  
But never willing to see me as a man

Make me a sandwich  
Little bitch  
Find a switch  
It'll only stop if you find the will to shut your fucking eyes and wish

You're stuck here  
You'll fuck here  
A danger when you walk down the street in full body gear

Lycra and spandex were meant for superhero capes  
Not tight constricting binders holding shape

Brand name female  
Sweatshop made shemale


	8. Note To Self

Don't fucking talk  
Your quest for attention is breeching the needs of others  
You selfish fucking piece of shit  
Don't talk

Be quiet  
Hold your tongue  
Nothing you have to say could be worth the effort of listening to it  
Swallow your useless words  
Feeding your bullshit has been a burden since the day you were born

Stop writing  
Put down the computer and step away from the keyboard  
Got to the kitchen and pull out a cutting board  
Get the good knife  
Put your hand down and   
Cut   
Your   
Fingers   
Off   
So you never feel tempted again

Stop drawing  
No one will ever want to look  
Put down the pencil  
Put down the paper  
Go to the garage  
Hold you face against the belt sander until you stop fucking thinking

You have no talent  
No one ever cared because you're shit so what you make is shit  
Those compliments you get are fucking lies  
People want to be nice  
How fucking dare you think you were worth notice you subhuman parasite 

Shove the drill in your brain, make sure it goes all the way in and stirs your shitty grey matter  
Pull it back out a bit and push it back in  
Fuck your skull with it until you stop twitching  
Stop fucking taking up people's priceless time with your penniless bullshit  
Stop being useless and stupid  
Stop

Just fucking kill yourself


	9. Check Your Peripherals

That time, two years ago now, I got stuck in the bathroom because of the zombies outside  
I wasted two hours scared in the middle of the night  
It's almost back to that  
I'm terrified of my own cat

Don't leave me alone  
Don't leave me alone  
I'll stop being able to ask if that's real  
Is that real?

Is there really a man behind me right now?  
If I turn around he'll know I know he's there  
Just tell me is he there?  
God I'm scared

I'm loosing my grip on reality  
A tragedy  
20 year old apathy  
Ruined on the tang of fear

I keep waking up in the night  
With hands around my ankles or shirting up my thighs  
When people ask me how I'm doing the answers are all lies  
I'm not crazy  
It's clear to see  
Got windows into the worlds of my sanity  
See my tight grip on reality  
Be proud of me

Look how I'm holding it together  
I can do this forever  
I've managed not to make it obvious to a stranger  
No visible danger  
Not unhinged or deranged  
I'm not afraid of bathtub drains  
Or the slimy things that could crawl out of them  
Angry malformed children of the ever damned

I'm fine  
I promise over and over  
But really my capability is lower and lower

I keep reading the pages in the DSM that cover schizophrenia  
It doesn't match but there are other things that could do this to anyone  
So many other schiz's I could be  
Maybe it's schizoid personality

Somebody hand me a diagnosis  
Tell me your professional prognosis  
Cure me of this  
Another spiral into a different kind of madness

Or 

Insanity will take me by 23  
Just let it be.


	10. The Only Parent

I'm so dangerously close to suicide  
I think about it all the time  
When I feel powerless there's always the thought  
I could end this now, make it stop on a dime  
Ease out with the tide

I'm afraid I won't be able to live out the life I should have  
Something that will be painted on me as my fault when none of the power was mine

When they find my corpse it will just be the last piece of evidence they use to slander my name  
I am nothing but a shame  
I'm to blame  
Mentally and physically lame  
So early taken out of the game  
Believe I had any other agency

I hit two decades  
King of spades  
Drowned by a crown three sizes to0 large  
Taken to the ground and raped hard

"Was I asking for it?  
Was I asking nice?  
Was I asking for it?  
Did I ask you twice?"

Lay me down in my grave  
Throw all those damning words into my casket  
Let me float in a sea of your maldefined untruths, pushed onto my being by your inability to listen  
Ears crushed down to skulls to silence me  
I hope you have some death day epiphany

This isn't about you  
You're no center  
I'm just fucking sick  
I've been sick for so long  
It's gone on and on  
I have no reference for normal  
No window no fucking wormhole  
That lets me see into your world, what it's like to live not like this  
My words are nothing more than piss

Listen to me  
Listen to me  
If only you'd shut up and hear it

You abused me through your laziness  
Fell pray to your own delusions  
And when I had the tools to tell you, to ask you why  
You started to cry

"my life was so hard you see  
a fucking travesty  
my father molested me"

You handed me to multiple abusers  
All of your boyfriends and fiancés were losers  
When I had the words to speak it you silenced me  
Refused to listen until there was a reason that effected YOU

You don't care about me  
You dragged me into another one of your shipwrecks  
Dragged me across these splintered decks  
Yelled at me for not sanding the wood well enough when our hull is born right through  
It's going down and there's nothing you can do.

Your past doesn't justify your inability to hear me  
When I'm screaming  
You would physically force me to go to school  
During panic attacks you subjected me to your rule.  
You used to hold me down on the ground  
My blood in my ears this rushing sound  
You sitting on top of me  
Crushing me so I couldn't breathe

You wanted to marry a man that hit me  
When I told you you responded with apathy  
Left him when he cheated on YOU  
Found a new man  
"Good man"  
Reliable and trust worthy  
I told you this was not for me  
Sat on the couch hit repeat repeat  
On old scenes in houses we left  
Wandering the coast of California alone and bereft

All those times you were too depressed  
I went to school improperly dressed  
Hearing of my accomplishments as bragging rights but never getting the praise  
I'm alone in this maze  
You made it for me  
You refuse to see  
Won't listen won't listen  
You told me when I was ten I needed to change myself to make others happy  
Why aren't you willing to do that for me  
After all the years I hacked away at myself to try and find the design that was pleasing to your eyes  
You told me my interpretations of my childhood were lies.

Deaf ears  
Blind eyes  
My fault  
My lies


	11. The Reigning Queen

It's been at least four years since I've written about you  
At least since it was something that didn't spell some doom  
Talk about the way we'd die  
Your inevitable suicide

Here we are though  
On the other side  
What a fucking ride  
Now we have seeds to sew

You stole back life for us  
Raised your sword and thrust  
We'll live from you  
Mother to us, the brood  
The strength from which our world issued

You secured us this  
With nothing but your will and fists  
This feat I could not preform  
Issued reform

From your lips  
The end of an apocalypse  
An antithesis of passive resistance  
Militant insistance  
The words to form life  
Sharpened like a knife

My anger is a gift  
The power and will to lift  
To elevate me beyond my station  
Move forward without hesitation

It was your hands that steadied these truths in me  
The end to a decade of apathy  
Let it be fucking seen  
You are the reigning queen  
Something that will always be and has always been  
A living pre-raphialite painting  
Viciously seeing to the reshaping of a clan long abandoned by those less persistent than you  
Let me pay you your over owed dues  
Steady your hand on my shoulder

Behold her


	12. Premeditation

They sit and speak calmly of suicide  
Their eyes are empty  
Their mouths are cracked and wide  
They pass words back and forth  
Side to side  
Roll them on dry tongues  
Push and pull and pry  
"How should we die?"  
Tell me how to die


	13. The Burbs Return

Every car on the street is bringing hell to my front door  
Look out the window  
Know they're coming  
I don't even know what peace of mind is for  
It's been eight years  
Since I last had any  
My mouth is saturated with the tang of dehydration  
It's seems so long  
Since my thirst was quenched  
My insanity is only public masturbation  
Another dead end  
Just when you think you've found a way out  
Fine then  
POUT  
Tear it out  
There's blood in the grout  
There's BLOOD in the GROUT  
Scrub it out  
Scrub it OUT  
Cover up the evidence   
Go to church and do your penance  
Mockeries of rosaries  
Little hearts on little trees  
Love it is a mystery  
A question in defining me  
Sinking into misery  
In the hallway always see  
They see you   
They see me  
Made by thousands of bees  
Honey combs stacked to the ceiling  
Buzzing in the walls of the house  
Pulsing and throbbing with the shaking of wings  
The stamping of feet  
Dancing to informative beats  
Drowning out the intent in silent blood  
Seeped into the floor between the tiles  
We could run for miles  
Miles  
And miles  
Suburbia will never end  
Another address for a package send  
No one in sight  
Enemy or friend


	14. Between Him And Me

At some point, as a human being, I had to learn, that when the sun rose in the morning- it didn't reset the world  
Life is an unending bore  
The god that created me is a whore  
Sitting on his throne like a wall of inconsistencies  
Large scale epiphanies  
Looking at you with green eyes that shine like jealousy  
His hair is like fire all 'bout his face  
The tone of his skin speaks nothing of race  
He's something beyond me but I hate him with the rage of a thousand fires  
We fight fist to fist atop burning pyres  
Grabs me by my ankles and drags me into a half death state  
Spears me on a hook to use as bait

Is this some test?  
A quest?  
Do I go to the East or the West?

Pick up the phone  
Why is our line so perpetually dead  
You're all in my fucking head  
I should shut up and just go to bed  
Wake up in the morning and be legally wed  
To the aching empty space in some ineffable intangibility's chest  
My brother is all that's left

I was born on the first of the Dog Days  
July nine  
Just on time  
Every year the summer adds pounds to how much it weighs  
Look into the sky and before you see the sun, there's Sirius  
Imperious  
Let August bring in the ocean  
Drown us all in the love that is motion  
Quench the thirst that began when the wells dried up  
Loosen the soil so you can plant food and sup  
Douse me and put the fire out

Good fuck he's got his hands 'round my neck as he strides  
One step clears oceans and tides

They say I am endless  
A vast multitude of one stretched out through the abyss  
Repeating ad nauseam  
Layers and layers of coiled binding   
Threaded through dimensions I can't see  
That's you and me  
That's what a human is  
Teach me what a human can be


End file.
